Last night I had my first “baby dream” … well more of a nightmare really. It was so intense and vivid I had a very hard time settling back to sleep after.

I was in labour. It was strange (not in the labour is strange way just in a dreams are strange way mostly). I remember lying down to start pushing, then waking up in a drugged like fog. Thinking to myself I really should start pushing, when I realized I no longer had a baby in my belly. There was no one around and I start panicking. I could hear voices in another room, but am all alone in the dark. (still foggy and feeling “drugged”) Finally I call out for someone to come and tell me what is going on and then I hear in my Son’s voice (as if he was laying next to me in his spot in the bed) “The baby died. Previously undetected Leukaemia”

And then I woke up with something that felt like an electric shock jolting through my body…

Needless to say I was shaken and had to process feelings that weren’t actually true, but still felt real.

It was NOT a happy time. Thankfully Baby 3 spent most the time I was processing (read crying on Scott’s shoulder) kicking me hard in the side as if to say “I’m all right mommy”