January 11, 2010
Comandments!
I just saw this link on The Munchkin Wrangler blog and it made my day...
Laws Concerning Food and Drink;
Household Principles;
Lamentations of the Father
Posted by Jesse at 2:57 PM | Comments (0)
March 19, 2009
Someone should have thought of this first...
So you probably had to "be there" but let me try to paint you the picture.
Scott and I are watching tv tonight after the kids finally went to bed. Usually we zip through the commercials because TIVO rocks. We just happened to catch part of a new Microsoft spot with the tag line "Windows, life without walls."
My first thought - if you have no walls - you can't HAVE windows.....
Anyone out there on the marketing team want to apologize now?
Posted by Jesse at 10:49 PM | Comments (0)
February 2, 2009
25 Random Things
Meme from Facebook
1: I try to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul and strength and fail each day
2: I am terrible at keeping in touch with people (and I am hoping Facebook changes that) I have very few long term friends as a result and I regret that.
3: I can't spell my way out of a paper bag.
4: I am just a wee bit sarcastic. If you haven't ever noticed that you don't know me very well.
5: I was home schooled through high school and I plan to home school my children. (and no that has nothing to do with my spelling)
6: I always wished I had siblings. I once asked my mom if I could have an older brother.
7: I can't help making references that I think are funny, even if no one else in the conversation gets them.
8: My son was born in a hospital after 26 hours of labor; my daughter was born in my bedroom after 3 hours of labor.
9: 9 is my favorite number because it is my birth date.
10: I love snarky tee shirts, but won't wear them myself.
11: I am an overachiever and a bit OCD
12: I have had the names of my first 4 children (2 boys and 2 girls) picked out since I was 12 - the list has changed over the years. Now that I have 1 boy and 1 girl I only keep one of each on the "list"
13: My daughter isn't actually named after me - I just couldn't come up with another first sound that went well with Leigh that wasn't already a name.
14: I obsess about how I could have changed things in the past while lying in bed at night.
15: I have an irrational fear that I will forget to count the number 15, so I almost always say it out loud.
16: I always wanted to be a mommy, but told everyone who asked I wanted to work because I knew it wasn't socially acceptable to plan on raising children.
17: I didn't get my ears pierced until I was 27.
18: I was a competitive gymnast until I was 15. I went to national championships 4 times.
19: My husband and my mom are my best friends
20: When I have strongly held opinions/beliefs and I find it difficult when people haven't come to the same conclusion I have.
21: My favorite color has been black since I was a child.
22: I love symmetry
23: My greatest fears are looking stupid or failing.
24: My first car was a 1980 Datsun 200SX from my uncle (it was 1993) I crashed it within 6 months.
25: I am an extreme extrovert in situations where I know people, but introverted when I don't know people.
Ever since I wrote thing I keep coming up with more interesting things I could/should have added... Oh well I am sure there will be another =]
Posted by Jesse at 1:57 PM | Comments (0)
November 7, 2008
I am a M.O.M.
Just a few of the things that make me a M.O.M.
Maker of Meals
Monitor of Miscreants
Marker of Memories
Modeler of Morality
Mourner of Monday
Mender of Minor-injuries
Manifester of Meanings
Maximizer of Money
Minimizer of Messes
Minder of Milestones
Molder of Minds
Moderator of Misunderstandings
Memorizer of Minutiae
Master of Mounds-of-Laundry
Motor-vehicle driver of Minors
Motivator of Motor-skills
Mollifier or Moods
Mover of Mountains
Marketer of Minerals and vegetables
Maintainer of Mementos
Mentor of Midgets
Multiplier of Minutes alone
Manufacturer of Mini-me's
Monitor of Mobility
Posted by Jesse at 11:38 PM | Comments (0)
December 26, 2007
Funniest quote from Christmas 2007
I'll post more later about Christmas, but I just had to memorialize this saying . . .
"So, squirrels are just rats with a blow dryer."
We were driving through Palo Alto's Christmas Tree lane; one house always has a nutcracker, princess and rat king. The Rat king is particularly scary because he has 4 faces/heads. Anyway Chanler is fascinated with nutcrackers this year and was talking about the nutcracker biting walnuts. He also wanted to know why they had a rat king out with the nutcracker. Trying to explain the idea of protagonist/antagonist. hero/villain, etc. was too much for him, he concluded that the rat king must have been trying to steal the nutcrackers walnut. Hence the change from rat king to squirrel king came about and the former statement (which is a take off of another favorite - squirrels are just rats with furry tails). Too funny. It probably also helps that 1) I hate squirrels, and 2) it was late
Posted by Jesse at 11:15 AM | Comments (0)
February 5, 2007
Not for Cat Lovers
But it is HILARIOUS
http://www.vidaday.com/funny/kitty-washing-machine/
Thanks to Scott K for emailing this to me. I laughed out loud
Posted by Jesse at 9:01 PM | Comments (0)
November 16, 2006
I'm a drink there for I am???
| How to make a Jesse |
| Ingredients: 5 parts pride 5 parts brilliance 3 parts instinct |
| Method: Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add caring to taste! Do not overindulge! |
Posted by Jesse at 2:56 PM | Comments (0)
September 18, 2006
I guess?
| You Are Bert |
 You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others |
Posted by Jesse at 10:31 AM | Comments (0)
August 31, 2006
Now I am just playing
From MyHeritage.com
What do you think??? See any resemblance??? I just don't know. I think my boys are much better looking than either of the "celebs" that they "look like"
Posted by Jesse at 4:33 PM | Comments (2)
Dark Angel . . . Really?
From MyHeritage.com
Posted by Jesse at 4:15 PM | Comments (0)
June 21, 2006
Me Cynical? No Really!
| You Are 68% Cynical |
 You have your optimistic moments, but most likely you keep them to yourself. |
Posted by Jesse at 8:57 AM | Comments (0)
June 7, 2006
Hahaha . . . Still laughing
Check out this blog it is HILARIOUS
Posted by Jesse at 2:45 PM | Comments (0)
May 8, 2006
Geek test
I am 23.66864% - Geek
+ Geekish Tendencies..........................>09%
++ Geek..............................................>15%
+++ Total Geek...................................>25%
++++ Major Geek................................>35%
+++++ Super Geek..............................>45%
++++++ Extreme Geek.......................>55%
+++++++ Geek God............................>65%
++++++++ Dysfunctional Geek...........>75%
Posted by Jesse at 9:14 AM | Comments (0)
January 17, 2006
Damn I hate it when these things are so close
Although it is off by a bit, but then I have always liked to act older then I really am
| You Are 30 Years Old |
 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
Posted by Jesse at 2:51 PM | Comments (1)
June 16, 2005
Toilet Cleaning Instructions:
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Posted by Jesse at 8:57 AM | Comments (0)
April 12, 2005
Answer me these
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
How important do people have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Can you cry under water?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile?
If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Posted by Jesse at 8:12 AM | Comments (0)
March 12, 2005
Politico-socioeconomic model
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from our government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You also have some vodka. You count the cows and learn you have five. You drink more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
NORTH KOREAN CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best-looking one. Some of the people, who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking cow.
CALIFORNIAN CORPORATION
You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try
to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You
change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows." Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children." Before he left office, Gray Davis signed a bill giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow
starves to death. The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
Posted by Jesse at 6:01 PM | Comments (0)
December 9, 2004
Bumper Stickers
BUMPER STICKERS YOU PROBABLY MISSED BECAUSE YOU WERE DRIVING.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost,
But Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed
For 70 mph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Politicions and diapers both need to be changed,
and for the same reason
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
(toymaker than makes Barbie Dolls).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman
Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Posted by Jesse at 2:26 PM | Comments (1)
November 18, 2004
Answers from Kids . . . Too Cute
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
****************************************************
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
* Kirsten, age 10
******************************************************************
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
* Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
* Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)
******************************************************************
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
* Derrick, age 8
******************************************************************
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, age 8
******************************************************************
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
* Anita, age 9
******************************************************************
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
* Kelvin, age 8
******************************************************************
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
* Ricky, age 10
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
* Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
* Martin, age 10
******************************************************************
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
* Craig, age 9
*******************************************************************
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
* Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
* Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, age 8
******************************************************************
Posted by Jesse at 8:25 AM | Comments (0)
October 23, 2004
58 Things To Do On An Elevator
1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. how's your day been?"
6) Bring a cat basket and take a nap in the corner.
7) Bounce a superball around the elevator.
8) Light a cigarette and tell people, "Smokey Bear doesn't know what the heck he's talking about!"
9) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
10) Stand in the corner reading a telephone book, laughing uproariously.
11) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
12) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
13) When the doors close, use duct tape and work furiously to tape the doors together. Ask for help.
14) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
15) Bring a hammer and nails and hang pictures of yourself on the walls. Ask people, "Isn't that a good picture of me?"
16) Leave your 12-foot long python alone in the elevator.
17) Turn off the lights in the elevator to "conserve energy."
18) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
19) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
20) Clean your gun.
21) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
22) Dressed in coveralls, get in a full elevator and when the door closes, push the stop button, post an "out of order" sign inside and
go to work on the access panel, saying "This may take a minute."
23) Push the call button, and when the voice answers ask, "God?"
24) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
25) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
25) Push your floor button with your tongue.
26) Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.
27) Swat at flies that don't exist.
28) Shoot rubber bands at everyone.
29) When the doors open, pretend that you bounce off a force field when you try to leave.
31) Ask people not to look, and then change your clothes.
32) When people get on, ask for their tickets and check that they meet the "height" requirements.
33) Push the top floor button and announce that you tried to kill yourself yesterday but the other building wasn't high enough.
34) Talk to people about the "golden age of elevators in the 50's." Explain why modern elevators can't compete with the "gas-powered lifts."
35) Borrow small items from other people in the elevator, then shout"Wheee!" as you drop them through the crack in the floor when the elevator doors open.
36) Jump rope.
37) Bring a shovel and try to dig a hole.
38) When the doors close, menacingly announce that "It's going to be a bumpy ride."
39) Tell people that you can see their aura.
40) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
41) Walk on with a cooler that is "HUMAN HEAD" on the side.
42) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
43) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
44) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
45) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
46) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
47) Meow occasionally.
48) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
49) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM" and back away slowly.
50) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
51) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
52) Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable hostbody."
53) Say "Ding" at each floor.
54) Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
55) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
56) Stare, grinning at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
57) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
58) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."
Posted by Jesse at 11:42 PM | Comments (0)